The below piece of satire was originally published on Crikey.com.au on Thursday the 22nd September.
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Huh? There was a lot of business jargon in the News Australia (nee-Limited) memo leaked to Crikey yesterday. We cut through the spin …
“Dimensionalise”
To make a concept compatible in multiple dimensions, such as the fourth dimension (one that governs time) or the sixth dimension (one that governs Dennis Shanahan). This is important if attempting to create mass appeal to pan-dimensional beings.
“Sizzle reel”
A short advertising video clip for media buyers and marketers designed to create excitement. Usually contains high production quality and music such as I Got A Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas.
“Integrate values story”
Force a variety of different brand or business values to appear unified or related. This is often attempted through overt multicultural casting in photography or filming. (Note: the word “integrate” usually means “clever” when used in the marketing bubble.)
“Visual language for employee engagement initiatives”
In two parts: “visual language” — images that convey a desired message without the need for words (or subeditors); “employee engagement initiatives” — staff piss-up or staff sausage sizzle.
“Costs should be reasonably modular”
Costs should not be interdependent on each other, or be subsidising each other. Okay, let’s try this a different way from a client’s perspective: ”We want to pick and choose parts from your proposal without incurring additional costs. This ‘brand essence auditing’ looks suspiciously expensive.”
“Positioning outcomes”
If X, then Y. Broad prediction of what will happen in the future, if the way people perceive the brand is altered.
“Values and internal engagement stream”
Management talking to staff, and staff talking to management, on an ongoing basis about what they stand for. Or what they want to be perceived to stand for. Usually conducted by an awkward series of meetings, or via an expensive and rarely used internal social network.
“Brand architecture”
The structure of multiple smaller brands or mastheads within, and impact on, a larger organisation’s brand.
“Accelerated ‘News Australia’ narrative”
Explain what “News Australia” is in 25 words or less. The elevator pitch. The executive summary. Without using the words “Rupert” or “Murdoch”.
“Thought leadership site”
Website with content designed to make a brand appear more clever than its competitors.
“Culture/values rollout”
A plan of how to tell staff, media buyers and marketers what the brand now stands for. Usually accompanied by “sizzle reel” and staff piss-up.
“A brand council to share News Australia initiatives”
A place or forum where a representative from various divisions can share what they are doing with each other.
“Develop messaging/branding for cultural aspiration based on the preferred cultural archetype”
Make branding and messaging desirable and relevant to multiple but commonly understood personalities. Avoid Jung’s “Shadow” and “Anima” archetypes.
“Conduct values workshops to socialise/validate hypothesis group values”
A series of meetings with staff to double-check if what everyone else thinks they are is in fact who you thought they were. Prone to embarrassment and copious use of butchers paper.
“Finalise culture aspiration, values and behaviour statements”
Deadline for putting into writing who and what the brand desires to be perceived as.
“Key HR transformation deliverables”
Dates and budgets for hiring and firing.
“Development of audience bundles”
Grouping of many demographic and cultural archetypes (see above) into simple catchy names such as: “Online Mums” or “Academic Achievers”.
“Bring to life the power of mass with connectivity of niche”
To make an oxymoron interesting and exciting. Often achieved by creating a “sizzle reel”.
“Leveraged rather than generic experience”
Generic is bad. Don’t be generic.
“Gap analysis helps define and articulate cultural journey”
In branding terms: to define the distance between the points of reality and fantasy. The size of this distance is directly proportional to the budget approved by management for the “Cultural/values rollout”.
“Divisional identities”
Sub-brands. These include: Nationwide News, News Magazines and News Digital Media amongst others.
“Post definition test of positioning”
Test changes to brand on a small piece of hidden fabric before applying to the whole piece of clothing.
“Use The Seed”
You have read too much. Burn after reading.
